Hot Tip

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries involve how we allow others to control us or impact us. We should have boundaries as to how people treat us, how intrusive they are, and how we allow ourselves to be drained or exhausted by them. When you let another person control you, you become dependent, weak, and resentful.

So boundaries involve how much we walk on eggshells, how much we try to satisfy others’ every need without regard to ourselves, and how much we share of ourselves without being discerning.

Passionate and fulfilling relationships of any kind are based on mutual respect, freedom, independence, and a desire that each person becomes the best individual they can through their own choices.

People who don’t set boundaries are prey to control.

People who have few boundaries are often more susceptible to being controlled, because they don’t like to make waves or make others angry. They like to get along.

It’s important to be considerate of others, but to avoid being excessively concerned about others at our own detriment.

You can’t pour out of an empty cup. You can’t be considerate if you’re giving up your own sense of self and personal empowerment.

How to create boundaries

1. Get to know people first. Take time getting to know someone slowly before you decide they’re your best friend or someone you’re in love with. You can be friendly and polite without being totally warm, accommodating and open.
 

2. Be selective in sharing thoughts and feelings, even with people you know. Don’t share everything all the time. You can be friendly without being personal.

3. Tune down your energy. You can create boundaries by withdrawing your energy, being slightly cooler, or even leaving. Often words aren’t necessary.

4. Speak up about small things. Negative relationships develop over thousands of boundary intrusions that slowly get worse. Speak up at the beginning of the relationship. If someone’s rude, point it out, without being rude too, if possible. Ask for appreciation in a positive way. ìHey, how do you like this great breakfast I made?î

5. Notice your feelings. Don’t wait until you’re exhausted, drained, or furious to speak up or withdraw your energy, or change your circumstances. It’s easier to do something when you have small feelings. Notice when you’re a little irritated. It’s easier to be casual and positive in speaking to someone when you’re not angry yet.

6. Express your desires positively. People who have difficulties setting boundaries often don’t like to make waves, deal in conflict, and they like to get along. So they sometimes feel rude if they’re being direct. It helps to set boundaries in a positive way. ìI like to spend time alone.î ìI like to make my own decisions.î ìI need support.î ìI feel uncomfortable withÖî

7. No pleading or yelling, whining, begging, exploding, or seething. Big reactivity shows weakness. Firm calmness shows personal power and will be taken more seriously.

8. Limit draining conversations in person or on the phone. All exhausting relations should be eliminated if possible. If you feel your energy is being drained, that’s a sure sign that the relationship is not empowering and life-enhancing.

9. Don't take without asking. Ask before taking food off others’ plates, and expect the same respect toward you. What may seem romantic or close behavior leads to boundary intrusions and lack of respect.

10. Respect for physical touch. Always look for energetic acceptance when touching others and expect the same toward you from everyone including people close to you (kids and spouse.)

Those who are tempted to control others need to stand back, relax, and let live.

If you live in dread of other people’s reactions, your personal power withers, and you may ultimately end up in a restricted and passionless relationship.

Healthy compromise, not control

Avoiding control and manipulation doesn’t mean there cannot be compromise.

Healthy compromise involves valuing both persons’ needs and respecting free choice. When people agree to compromise without having been manipulated, they are often willing to accommodate their partners’ real needs without resenting them.

updated: 05/24/10

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